Otherwise known as bigoted shortcuts to perceived success in online social justice discussions. The cornerstone of every red blooded, Trump supporting, God fearing, gun loving, straight as they come, white American male.
Feeling uncharacteristically generous today, I thought I would offer my secret until now, 11 proven tips guaranteed to leave those Social Justice Warrior types scratching their patchouli scented heads, wishing someone gave them a trigger warning.
But seriously, here is your sure fire template to work every time, point by point breakdown of the top 11 ways to win an argument and piss off a liberal.
First though, framing is key. Liberals and progressives and their various exotic “causes” must always be painted in one of two generic ways.
- Whenever possible, they are to be portrayed as the hypersensitive, offended at everything, permanently pouting, baby child, who must be forever protected and insulated from everyone and everything that deviates from their evil socialist goals.
- If that approach proves problematic for a specific situation, then attempt to paint them as the vaguely untrustworthy criminal type, always on the take from the state, who spend most of their time doing all manner of illegal drugs while shamelessly sodomizing everything and everyone with a functioning asshole or vagina.
Only those skilled in the advanced art of libtard shaming should attempt to conflate categories one and two, as the risk of concerns over questionable research become likely. Whatever direction you ultimately take, remember that stereotypes exist so they may aid you in furthering the Republican agenda. Diversity be damned, drive home each example to it’s reductive and diminishing best. For example, feminists must always be seen as humorless, man hating, feminazi dykes with hairy legs who exist solely to ruin masculinity. It’s simply a given.
But, on to your 11 tips. Broken down into 6 general tips, then 4 more specifically targeted tips, plus one final tip.
- Clean Up Your Own Backyard First! This one is great to start the fun off, as it provides for a blazing showcase of both your privilege and your wilful blindness to it. Suggest that if they want to be included in all the fun, then they need to accept personal responsibility for all that higher standard entails. Obvious hypocrisy is the primary theme here, so ensure to make your case more than clear. Perhaps explain the paradox present when in the privileged world, one occurrence is an individual action, but in the oppressed world, a single occurrence must always be seen as a dominant community norm. Because you have to nip this stuff in the bud. There will be occasions when the validity of this approach is questionable. Time to bring up “black-on-black” violence, or gay men and their wild, unprotected sex orgies being entirely responsible for the spread of HIV, or everyone’s favorite, the shocking and dramatic case of false rape allegations against wholesome young American men.
- Hello, I’m waiting? The old “teach me” defense. The one that asks people from various oppressed groups to take time out from being oppressed so they may educate you on the elusive ways their specific oppression plays out. They may tell you it’s not their responsibility to educate you. Try to anger them by saying it’s there job, as this can be a great deflection tool so that the discussion never leaves the introductory 101 phase, sick of saying the same points over. It also ensures that discussion time is always laden with more and more head-scratching and requests for them to “dumb it down.”
- My Strangely Atypical Black Republican /Gay Sex Prude/Feminist Pro Life Friend Disagrees With You, So You MUST Be Wrong. This is simply the advanced version of the “some of my best friends are black” argument, but with a twist. If, for example, the marginalized person is making sense and you’re beginning to get the unpleasant feeling that you were wrong about something, it’s time to pull the atypical friend card. Because as with the backyard argument, one example does a community norm make. If you have a Japanese friend who is pro internment camps, well then that speaks for itself, doesn’t it? The great thing about this approach, it can be amended for virtually any situation or ism. Black, gay, trans, sex worker, disabled, bi polar recovering Catholic, they name it, you simply pull out the friend with the unlikely ideology.
- A little hot under the collar, are we? You’re Being “Hostile”. Never mind that life on the margins sucks, trusting “normal” people is often difficult, and negative assumptions dominate the discourse about them while at the same time never allowing them a voice. Annoying as that sometimes might be, violence, silencing, oppression and ridicule are never an excuse to be hostile. So by accusing them of hostility, you toss the baton of argument initiation squarely back in their lap. The passive aggressive version of this is a well timed and insincere suggestion to “maybe be a little nicer once in a while.”
- If you weren’t so serious, you’d know I never intended that. This particular tactic is an off shoot from hot under the collar, above. The implication here is that the oppressed are always on the hunt for anything to feel wounded or offended by. Combine it with your never-would-mean-to-cause-someone offense mantra, and you have the basis of a solid argument here. Because in the end, nothing is more important than your pure intention. If they want to live in such negativity, that’s up to them. Disowning or completely avoiding your own responsibility is key to using this tactic.
- That’s a slap in the face to REAL oppression This would be the aren’t there more “Important” issues for you people to organize around than silly micro-aggressions or gendered word choices. This step has two main goals. One, to reclaim and subvert the oppressed groups narrative. Let them know that you, the privileged but oh so rational white person, control both the message as well as the current priority. If that doesn’t send them over the bend, mentioning “real oppression” often and loudly, without ever really defining it, will communicate that you find the entire debate to be trivial and below consideration. Since the idea that they actually have a handle on their own experience is ludicrous. Because really, they are oppressed and the poor dears can’t be expected to have reliable insight after all. Concerns over possible conflation of your ingrained bigotry with their human rights advances are usually dismissed with a patronizing “There, there, you’re probably just a bit paranoid. Cut back on the caffeine for a while and see if that helps.” If this tactic still doesn’t provide the results you had hoped for, perhaps a blatant display of disowning responsibility for your part in the debate might work. Just walk away. You know, because you can.
- Peace, Love, And Extra Granola Too. Not a huge fan of this one, as it does require the heavy burden of being nice, out of touch, and vaguely new-agey. Start off with the premise that there are really no distinctions at all between people, since we are all human first. If someone suggests the obvious, that by “we” you mean “white / insert other current norm”, deflect that point by inquiring if they have dealt effectively with the traumatic baggage of their early years, because their aura is giving you serious dysfunction vibes. You may also condescendingly inquire if they are “emotionally prepared to drop the crutch of their labels.”
- Those White Women And Their Tears. The biggest drawback here is the very gendered usage of this approach. As white men crying to gain sympathy usually does not achieve the same goals. The only trick here is that no matter what or where the discussion goes, make it about you. The goal is to suck all the energy and focus away from the current issue so as to deal with your hysteria over a perceived slight. If it steers away, well get in there and steer it back to you. Then cry. Loudly and often. The following are just a few examples of an offense du jour. “It’s so hard being an ally”, “No one understands me” “That’s not what I meant” “That lesbian is coming on to me and I’m feeling triggered” “Why did you have to be so mean” “No, I really am the better dancer.”
- “I’m pro-choice too.” Yeah, bullshit. This tends to be tricky, but the key here is never really having to define choice. You can say “ I support a pregnant woman’s choices”, when what you really mean is as long as she has her baby, or something vague like that. But like I said, this one is tricky, and your support of Trump, slut shaming all women who have slept with exactly one more man than you have, and being just generally bat shit crazy kind of gives your position away.
- When At Risk Of Certain And Immediate Exposure As A Disingenuous Conservative Shill … This, thankfully, very rarely occurs. Usually only when you are struck by the ill fitting notion that maybe the oppressed do have a point. That is when it is crucial to pull the I’ve-lost-the-enjoyment-of-life defense. That’s right, how dare you be drawn into discussions which stretch the bounds of complexity and actually make you critically think? How dare they put you in a position to not maintain control and enforce norms. Do they know just how cruel that is? Loudly, publicly, and emotionally state the answer to that and exit in a grand show of hurt and wounding.
- Listen And Learn. Or, you may want to consider actually being a supportive ally and listening to someone else when they tell you about what it is to be them. Two very critical points on this one. One, you need to not talk, but instead listen. Two, accept that your perspective may be limited, narrow, or even dead wrong. Yeah, I’m going to suggest this is a misprint or typo. Please disregard completely tip number 11 in all future discussions.
For those who are too stupid to get it, yes, this is satire Skippy.